Coping with a death
The stages of grief
We will all lose loved ones at some point in our lives. Each of us will react in our own way. There is no right or wrong way to feel (as you can see from page 7, you may even feel relief if you think the death has been a blessing in disguise). It may seem hard to know what is normal. You may think that you are the only person who has felt this way. Here are some of the things that might happen to you:
Early stages - The first hours and days after the death.
Moods
You may feel strong shock. You might feel numb and have a lack of any feelings at all. You may feel very upset and very sad. You may want to cry or shout out. You might feel panic. You may fear that you can't cope or go on without your loved one. Some feel quite calm - this is often a sign of shock. Often the upset kicks in later.
Things you think about
You can't take it in - you might refuse to believe the person is dead even though you know they are. You are sure there has been a mistake. You might be confused. You can't think straight.
Things you feel in your body
You may have a very dry mouth. It is common to be breathless, have a tight feeling in your throat or chest, or a hollow feeling in your stomach. Things may seem a bit unreal - like you are here but not here. You may also feel on edge and jumpy.
Things that you do
You may be in tears a lot of the time. You may find it hard to cry at all. Changes in your sleep are normal. You may find it hard to get to sleep, or you wake up often. You may have vivid dreams or nightmares. You may feel like eating less, or more, than usual. You may be in your own world for a while. You may be in a bit of a daze. You may forget where you have put things or what you have been doing. You may also get quite restless and jumpy. You may find it hard to sit still.
Later stages - A few weeks and months after the death.
Moods
After a few days or weeks you may feel quite down or low. People often feel angry that the person has died and left them alone. Guilt is common. Maybe you wish you had done more or been there more for the person. You might feel very lonely too.
Things you think about
You can't stop thinking about your loved one. You may think about the death, and how you got on with the dead person. You may wonder if you could have done something different which might have changed things. You may find it easier to accept that they are gone and not coming back. You may think a great deal about places, people and things that bring back memories of the person. You miss them really badly. You might think you are not able to do things for yourself. You may feel helpless.
You may think you have seen or heard the dead person close by. You may even think you are 'going mad' because you see or hear strange things.
You may get quite low and dread the future without your loved one - what's the point in going on?
Sometimes there can be a sense of relief or freedom after a death, often if the person had been ill a long time or suffered badly.
Things you feel in your body
You might feel tired all the time. You may have weak muscles. You may feel you have no energy. You may feel restless and can't sit still for quite a long time after the death. You may also feel very active and don't often stop to rest. It is still common to feel a bit of panic at times later on too.
Things that you do
You may want to be on your own more and go out and about far less. You may not feel like talking to family or friends. You might find it hard to go about your day to day life. Your social life may change. This is most true when your loved one was a big part of your social life. Losing a partner often affects this a lot.
Sleep can still be poor. Very vivid dreams - good and bad - are still common. You may still not feel like eating, or want to eat a lot more than normal. You may lose interest in sex.
You may stay away from things that remind you of your loved one. Some do carry things around with them that remind them of their loved one.
The way other people deal with you can be hard. Some may seem OK, but others will be clumsy in what they say or do, or may try to avoid you. This often happens because others feel awkward and do not know what to do or say. You may even feel angry that others are able to get on with their lives whereas you feel that is difficult. You may find that you can't talk about your loss. Everyone else may seem to be getting on with their lives, but you find it hard to do this.
What things affect how you feel?
These are a few things that may affect how you feel after the death, and how long these feelings last for.
Who the person was
People often find it most hard to deal with the loss of a child or a partner, then a brother, sister or parent. But, there are no hard and fast rules here.
How you got on with your loved one
If you were close and got on well with the person, it is going to be very hard for you to deal with their death. Sometimes if you did not get on with the dead person, it can make it hard too. You might feel guilt or anger.
Way of dying
The way that the person died has an effect. Things that can be hard are if the death is a huge shock, or if the person suffered a lot before they died. Murder or suicide, if the person is missing and you are not 100% sure they are dead, or more than one death, can all be hard to cope with.
Things in the past
Sometimes things in the past can have an effect. Have there been other times where someone you know has died and you have found it hard to cope? Have there been family problems that may not help?
The way you are
Maybe you already get times where you feel very low, or have been depressed before. You might find it hard to deal with changes. Maybe you are the type of person who finds it very hard to deal with strong feelings. Perhaps you are a very strong person, or a real coper. These things can have a big say on how you deal with a death.
What else is going on in your life?
Stresses in other areas, or not having much close support can affect you.
