Michael's Story - Sturm und drang (Storm and Stress)
I don't deserve to feel this way. Nobody deserves to feel like this. I think of some of the people who are worse off. Those Australians for example who lost their homes and in many cases their loved ones to bush fires. I think of those who have seen their homes disintegrate due to flooding, sometimes repeatedly. I see images on television of folk desperately trying to survive in a war zone, or hit by extreme famine. I imagine myself attempting to cope with such catastrophes. Some chance!
It doesn't make me feel any better to know that there are so many with much more valid reasons to be stressed and depressed. The monster has been in control of me for over two months. I am taking two 20mg fluoxetine capsules daily but if that is relieving my symptoms I haven't noticed. Each day is much the same though the intensity of the dread and despair can vary. The best time of day for me is bedtime. Once in bed I can sleep and forget about everything till morning, or mid afternoon if I can get away with sleeping that long. Getting up is a problem. Making tea is also difficult, but so is just about everything else. All the things that filled my life and gave me enjoyment are now meaningless. The Scottish football that I followed so comprehensively, the taking of photographs and subsequent image control on the computer and the poems and short stories that I used to write are all things of the past. My intense passion for music has departed too. My wife supports me in every practical way and is constantly both compassionate and encouraging but the affection and intimacy between us has been lost.
On Friday 13th March I experienced the worst day of my life. Yes, it was that bad. I felt that I had lost my grip on reality. It seemed almost as though I didn't actually know where I was! By Sunday things were little better and only intense concentration prevented what I later found out was an imminent panic attack. I thought I was about to faint and collapse in the doctor's surgery on the Monday morning, but I didn't. After seeing the doctor my spirits revived, if only a little.
During the week I forced myself to go swimming and relax in the steam room. I am now retired and have all the time in the world yet it takes a supreme effort for me to do anything. The cloak of dread, despondency, fatigue and hopelessness clouds my every thought or decision. This is the first thing I've written for quite some time. Instead of getting creative with words and pictures on my computer, I play the card game 'Hearts' incessantly. I have grown very proficient and have now reached a winning percentage of 40%. Not bad for a four handed game. I can often spend an entire evening playing this simple game before going to bed, usually before 10pm. The game occupies my mind and dispels for a while the thoughts that bite and gnaw away at my spirit. Once in bed, I have a few very good books that hold my interest before sleep arrives. Taking a shower is something I have to work up to and perhaps two hours after my initial intention, I actually do it. Personal hygiene has become a drudge I can live without much of the time, even though I am often bathed in perspiration. I can go the whole day without food and not become hungry. I have lost a stone in weight.
I have the best friends in the world nearby and a saint posing as my wife to help me get through these dark days but the bleakness just won't go away. Although I can confide in my closest friends and obviously my partner, I try to hide my condition with other people. The strain of attempting to accomplish this and appearing normal is incredible. I try to go out every day, even if it's only to the supermarket, but it takes real effort. I need to feel the ordinariness of everyday life around me. I do not seek excitement, just inner peace and contentment. I pray daily for help to overcome the monster inside. I constantly remind myself that I am a mature, intelligent and responsible person. I use my logic and common sense to attempt breaking down the barriers that stand between me and normality. I look back at my career and think of all those difficult, almost impossible situations I frequently found myself in. I coped then. Why can't I cope now? Well, my concentration and thought process are in limbo. I can't make a decision on anything. My brain seems frozen and unable to act properly.
Two or three whiskies of an evening banishes the monster almost instantaneously, but by next morning he has returned, his grip stronger than ever. The future, which looks bleak or non-existent at the best of times, takes on an even darker form when seen through the mist of a hangover.
Just writing this has been an achievement for me. But I have found that putting it down in print has given me the focus and the seeds of desire to do something about the situation. There has to be conflict if I am to win and it goes without saying that strength is needed for conflict. If I am to defeat this monster I will need a game plan and will have to find the dedication necessary to follow it through. I know there will be times when my commitment will be severely tested but I need to be in charge of my own life again and that is a prize to be won at all cost. The monster is very strong but I have a few weapons in my armoury and also the encouragement and love of friends and family which the monster does not.
(This last paragraph in italic was written only after I had re read the page several times. The anger I felt at my impotence helped provide the impetus to make me actually do something.)
My plan was initially a three-pronged attack. I wanted something that would get me out of the house, engaging in worthwhile activity. Secondly, I knew it would be beneficial to get in some moderate exercise. Thirdly, I needed a thrust to return to my hobbies and pastimes. On consecutive days I visited the Peoples' Palace, Pollok House and the Burrell Collection, The Art Galleries & Museum and The Scotland St. School Museum. Apart from the school, all these attractions are set in parklands where there is ample opportunity for pleasant walking exercise in a picturesque environment. Also, they were all ideal locations for me to start taking photographs again.
I am delighted to say that the plan was an outstanding success on all three fronts and, as I sat honing my pictures on screen, I made arrangements to continue with the plan, venturing further to see different things. In addition I started to get all those little odd jobs done about the house and prepared the meals. I listened to the relaxation CD every day, I pulled back the blinkers, I slowed my breathing, I started to confront the bad thoughts and I used the five challenges. The words 'Wait a minute' have become an automatic reaction when those negative thoughts surface and I have now reached a situation where such thoughts are occurring less and less each day. The future is brighter and I feel that there is so much to look forward to. I purchased the book 'I had a black dog' and studied it.
The black dog is still in my home but only because I'm not letting him out. He is on a tight rein in a corner of the kitchen. Even though he is extremely lazy, he pleads to go out but I refuse. When I go on my daily tours and visit the swimming pool and gym the black dog is left behind. It is now he who sits whimpering and cowering in a corner while I get my life back on track. He is fed only scraps from the table, which has seen him lose an enormous amount of weight. I have no more sympathy than he had for me as the pounds fell from me week after week. He looks smaller, older and feeble. Before long he will be booted out for good. He is so frail that I'm unsure of his ability to survive outdoors, but I don't care. For once only, I am happy to be described as revengeful.
This struggle is not yet completely over and I guard daily against complacency. I am enjoying writing again and finding this much more fun to write than I did when I was describing my illness. My outings are continuing and I have quickly renewed my interest in photography. I am now more alert and able to tackle domestic and financial issues with confidence. My wife and I have never been closer or more united. I have faced my fears and currently I am in control. My grateful thanks go to Jim White for his 'Stress Control' meetings at Langside Halls and to Anne Joice for her 'Mood Matters' sessions at Samaritan House. You have been enormously helpful. It is my greatest wish that all fellow sufferers can confront and defeat the black dog.
Michael, 15th April 2009
