STEPS

Fight the inner critic

The 'inner critic' never has a good thing to say about you. That 'wee voice' in your head just keeps on winning. Getting you down. Well the 'inner critic' is not right all the time. It just thinks it is.

Challenge Your Thoughts

• Think about the times you have felt down about yourself

• What have you been thinking? Write down these thoughts

  A: I am a fat, stupid cow. Who would want me there looking like this

  B: I'm not even going to try; I'll just sit it out. I'm no good at this sort of stuff

  C: Why are they looking at me like that?! What have I done wrong now? They just think I'm useless

• What were you doing at the time? Write this down too.

  A: I was meant to be going down the social. I didn't have any clothes that fitted right

  B: I was at a training course

  C: I was at my parent's house, sitting watching telly. I'd had a bad day

• What happened as a result? Write this down

  A: I decided not to go out in the end

  B: The others finished the task. I couldn't get started on it. Failed the module. Now I need to do it again

  C: After a while Mum asked what I was sulking about. I said nothing. Stormed off

You will get a list of what you think about yourself and what situations get those thoughts going

Now ask yourself:

1. What says that my thoughts are right?
2. What says that they are not?
3. What would someone close to me say?
4. If someone else was thinking all this, what would I say to them?
5. What is the worst thing that could have happened?
6. Which point of view seems more reasonable?

A: The worst thing? Well nobody would have talked to me. But people always talk to me down there. They did last week.

B: Maybe if I had given it a go, I would have been a bit more confident. The trainers were helping other people out. So maybe they weren't sure too.

C: Mum phoned up later. We talked about me storming off like that. She said she was thinking what I might want for tea when she looked over. Then she remembered she forgot to pick up the potatoes. That might have been when her face screwed up. I was just mind reading.

Stop comparing yourself

Having standards can be a good thing. However, you might be setting these standards too high. What happens then is that you never quite match up to what you would ideally like to be.

Try this task: Write down the first words that come to mind when you read the statements in the boxes below

What I think I am just now

What I want to be like

What I think others think of me

What I think others would like me to be

Read over what you have written.

• How true in real life are the things you have listed?
• Are any of them out of your control?
• Do some things seem un-realistic?
• Are you setting yourself up for failure?
• What would be a more helpful way to think about yourself?
• Is there a way to achieve some of the things you have listed?
• Or, is there a middle ground that seems reasonable to aim for?
• What would someone who knows you say about what you have written?

Don't Avoid Things

It might be easier to avoid doing things, or seeing people. You don't want to set yourself up for a fall, right?

If you avoid facing up to things, you will never find out if you could have done something well, or coped.

• What have you avoided doing recently? Perhaps you have not felt up to it?
• What did you fear would happen? If you had done it, what were the chances of that happening?
• How could you have coped if it had?
• What could you have found out about yourself?

Make a plan

By now you may have a better idea of the times when your self esteem affects what you do.

• Find out whether your view of yourself is right or not. Plan beforehand how you can try and handle situations you are not comfortable with.
• Think of what you would like to achieve. Start with small goals and work your way up to the bigger ones. Or split the bigger goals into smaller ones.
• Try out the plan. If it works out, great! Keep on doing it. If it doesn't go that well, ask yourself what you can do next time to feel better about it. Try it again.
• When you notice the negative thoughts start to nag you. Ask yourself some of the questions above.

Quick Fix

Some people find 'self talk' can be helpful.

This is when you make up phrases that you can use quickly to ease the doubts in your head.

Below are some examples:

• I've been here before. It wasn't too bad
• Give it a go
• I can do this

Think up a few of your own. After using them, review what happened.