STEPS

Coping with a baby

One of the first steps to cope with stress after you have had a baby is to accept that there may be something wrong - and talk to someone. Let your partner, family, and friends know how you are feeling. When we talk things over with people, it helps us think about how we are going to deal with things. Talk to your health visitor but remember - THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

The vicious circle

• Being ill, stressed, difficult situations, relationship problems
• Worrying thoughts - 'I can't take care of my baby', ' I am a rotten mother'
• Body symptoms - Feeling very tired and sore
• Behaviour - Stop going out and seeing friends, very little fun in the day
• Feelings - Low mood and feeling down

What things are you doing?

When people feel low and stressed they often forget what they have managed to do and enjoy. Most people have more things going for them than they are usually aware of.

List all the things you did last week and rate them; how much of a sense of pleasure or achievement did they give you. Try not to be too modest. People who are depressed tend not to take credit for their achievements. Try not to compare yourself all the time to your old self, just praise yourself for what ever you are able to manage. When you feel low and stressed, doing anything can be a challenge and should be recognized and rewarded, so try and build some pleasant events into your day each day. Treat yourself - it will help you.

When people feel low and stressed they often don't feel like doing anything. They find it hard to decide what to do each day and can end up doing very little. If this is a problem for you, you can begin to tackle this by making a list of things you want to do, then plan out an action list.

• Start off with the easiest task at first and don't aim too high. Things that seemed easy for you before may feel much harder now.
• Start from where you are now and build up to where you were when you were well. Work through your action list and tick off what you have done.
• At the end of the day, you will be able to look back and see what you have achieved.

	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
What did I do?	Feeding changing baby	Feeding changing baby	Feeding changing baby	Mum visited	Went to shops	Husband off work	Long lie
How much pleasure (0-10)	2	2	2	6	2	9	10
How much achievement (0-10)	5	4	3	5	6	3	10

This can also be a good thing to do to help you deal with problems that are bothering you. Break things down and tackle one step at a time.

Plan to get active

It is important that you resume your normal level of activities slowly. If you have been inactive for a while, don't expect to be able to do as much as you used to do at once

• Make a list of all the things you used to do, and would like to do again.
• Put them in order - with the one using the least amount of effort first, and finish with the one that needs most effort.
• Each day, spend a little time, gently doing first step on your list.
• When you can do the first step well move on to the next step. Be careful never to push yourself too hard.
• Work through your list step by step.

Your daily plan

• What are the important things to do today?
• What do you need to fit in?
• What do you need to do to achieve this?
• What are you going to do to pamper yourself?
• Have you set aside time to relax with your baby?

Dealing with unhelpful thoughts

When you get stressed, gloomy thoughts can make you feel worse. You tend to notice all the bad things and ignore the good things. You might be really critical of yourself and all the things that you do. You might think people are thinking bad things about you and the way you are looking after your baby. Keeping a diary of your thoughts can be really helpful. It can help to look at things in a different way.

Write down your worrying thoughts	How much do I believe it?
I can't bear this. I want to shake her. I'm a useless mother. I don't deserve to have her.	10

Challenge the thought :

Try and find a more balanced thought	Ask yourself what reasons you have for the thought	Ask yourself what reasons you have against the thought
It might help if you think of: What would you say to yourself if you were not feeling so worried? What might you say to someone else if they said this to you? What might your partner or friend say to you about your worries? What could you say to yourself that is more helpful and less worrying	She never stops crying. I should be able to get her to stop crying. I can't think of anything else to do.	She was weighed yesterday and she has put on weight. The health visitor says we're both doing OK.

Come up with another way of looking at it :

More balanced thought	New rating of worry (1 - 10)
My health visitor says I am doing really well - and my baby is thriving.	5

Take care of yourself

You have had a baby and your body has undergone major change - you need to let yourself recover. Here are some tips:

• Keep your appointments with your doctor, midwife, and health visitor.
• Eat a good diet - healthy foods like salads, fresh fruit and vegetables, fruit juice, milk and cereal are all nice, packed with vitamins and don't need much cooking
• Take every opportunity to get your head down for a nap and get as much rest as you can
• Try and arrange some time out for yourself as often as possible; have a bath in peace, read a magazine, have coffee with a friend.

Make practical changes that will help you feel better

There are practical things that you can do to feel better:

• Try and keep a diary with photos of the good times - it will help you notice them and it will be good to look back on when your baby is older
• Cut back on the demands being placed on you
• Don't try to be the perfect housewife. Whether or not the house is immaculate isn't important. Keep your workload as low as possible.
• Can you change your routine or set-up to make things easier on yourself - will your husband bottle feed the baby and change nappies to give you a break?
• Taking a rest when the baby rests - tiredness can make people feel even more low and stressed
• Physical exercise and activity can really help to lift your mood. Try and do a little every day
• Take up every offer of practical help. Don't be ashamed to ask for help or feel guilty about accepting it
• Try not to be alone all day, every day. Mixing with friends, family and neighbours can be good and builds up a good support network for you

Tips from others